


Because I Love You

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Boys not communicated their love well enough, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Cuddles, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Suicide, post Zayn departure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:50:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5643184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn Malik didn't expect to wake up. He didn't expect to have to deal with the fact that their were people who actually cared about him. He didn't expect to have to deal with his feelings for Liam all over again. He didn't expect to get his friends back.</p><p>Or the fic where Zayn is actually really depressed and tries to kill himself, but doesn't succeed much to his own dismay.</p><p>Please don't read if easily triggered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first thing Zayn was aware of was the obnoxious beeping noise. Harsh to his sensitive feeling ears. He keeps his eye closed as he slowly becomes used to his other senses. He takes a small sniff of the air only to smell a disgusting alcoholic smell. His fingers twitch a little and he feels the soft palm of a dainty hand, that feels ever so familiar but also ever so wrong. He forces himself to think harder, he forces himself to think of the last thing he can remember.  
No.

Fuck...fuck...fuck…

It didn't work, he isn't suppose to be here right now. He's suppose to be away. It's supposed to be over. He wasn't suppose to just wake up again. This wasn't right.

And Perrie's hand! That shouldn't be here either. She left him, all those months ago. It wasn't right-he wasn't right.

He opens his eyes and finds her rimmed red ones staring straight back at his.

"Pez?" his voice was absolutely wrecked. He supposes that's what happens when they pump your stomach. Because that's what they do when you swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills and chug them down with vodka, "What are you doing here?"

Perrie reaches over and brushes his fringe off his forehead, "I'm still your emergency contact," she says softly. Her voice sounds sort of wrecked too (although even scratchy it was still angelic) and her eyes are puffy her hair ruffled and frazzled. Her nails chipped one of them looking ripped and jagged. She wasn't wear any makeup (which was a rare sight) and she was in pajama pants and a baggy sweatshirt that Zayn almost wants to say belongs to him (neither were quite good at giving back each others things after the break up).

"You didn't have to come..." he manages to say. Because that's the only thing he can actually think of saying right now.

Perrie's lets out a wet laugh that has no humor, "I may not love you in the way we did before... But I still love you. Okay?" she's silent for a few moments and she reaches forward and runs his hands through his hair in a soothing manner that reminds him eerily of what his mum might do if she was her right now. He pushes the thought back just as Perrie speaks again, "What were you thinking Z?"

"I wasn't," he tries to assure. Because that's what he was suppose to say. He wasn't thinking he was being reckless and melodramatic. In the back of his mind though, he thinks it's the most clear he's thought in a few months.

Perrie stares at him opening her mouth and closing it with a shake of her head and a sigh then opening it again to say "Your parents aren't able to come, but your mom told me to have you call her as soon as you wake up..."

"I don't want to," Zayn croaks almost automatically. Because he didn't want to see his parents ever again, never ever. They were one of the big reasons he's been so drastic. After he told them something they hoped they'd accept because they loved him, and he was their son. They were always okay with Harry and Louis why suddenly when it was Zayn did they suddenly care? Why did his Baba someone whom he's never seen lay a hand on anybody, lay a hand on him.

"Zayn...." Perrie's says slowly (and while she knows part of the story by default, she doesn't know everything), "you-"

"My father practically beat me to a pulp last time I saw them, she didn't stop him. I'll call my sisters when I sound better but not her..."

"Okay," she agrees her voice sounds so careful and dainty nothing like it's usual snarky, "Alright. I can't stay with you long. They gave me today and tomorrow morning, I have a flight at twelve."

Her eyes suddenly fill with tears again, fuck he hated to see her cry.

"It's okay Pez," his natural instinct to just comfort her like he's done so many other times when she's been upset over the years takes over, "I know you have a schedule and trust me I know management breaths down people's necks... It's okay..."

"It isn't," she croaks out he voice suddenly harsh, "you tried to kill yourself Zayn!"

"And that isn't your fault," he mumbles.

She shakes her head her hand squeezing his so tight he thinks his fingers might suddenly break off, "I... the boys are coming."

Zayn almost sits up and he gets lightheaded for a moments he inhales quick and through an exhale he gasps out a "What? They know?"

"I had to call them!" she says surprisingly defensive, "it's obvious you can't be left alone Zayn, and honestly I didn't know who else to call."

He can't argue with the fact that it's probably not safe to leave him alone. He'd probably just try again, just in another way.

"Why is calling them a good idea?" Zayn says his voice rising a slight bit before going more quiet again , "They hate me remember? I left!"

"Your honestly daft if you think that," Perrie almost sounds like she was scolding him (one of the better things he thinks she's good at), "You were friends for almost five years. More the friends-you were practically a family. Those boys love you."

He feels his heart race at the thought. They might have at one point. Maybe. But he wasn't a good person to love. He was obviously self destructive (today defiantly manages to prove that). They were always constantly taking care of him, asking if he was okay. He couldn't return that favor. He wasn't good at taking care of people. And the worst-the worst was he was in love with someone else, while he was engaged, whom for one was also taken and someone who could never love him back.

"They can't," Zayn murmurs fighting the drooping of his eyes. He was just sleeping for who knows how long. How is he already tired. He's not going to try sleeping pills again, he knows that.

Perrie looks astonished almost she opens her mouth to say something else and then she closest it before grabbing one of his hands and folding it between her own, "I called Louis, cause' he's the only number I still had for some reason… Like-god Zayn it was horrible. I've never heard Louis cry-"

"It's never pretty," Zayn agrees, "But I doubt he wouldn’t actually cry for me. It was probably out of frustration."

"Your ridiculous," Perrie mumbles her fingers tightening in his ever so slightly, "When will you get it through your thick skull that people actually like you?"

Zayn only frowns and closes his eyes, not knowing an answer, so not bothering to give her one.

"Well I love you Zayn Malik," Perrie says softly and she leans forward to kiss him on the forehead, "Not in the way I used too, but I love you."

"I love you too Pez," Zayn mumbles, and for him it was the same way he always did.

"Sleep," she says.

And he does.  
***

Louis get's the call only a few minutes after he wakes up. He'd been awake for around ten minutes. The first half of that time he tried to will himself back to sleep cuddling closer to Harry. The second half, after realizing he wasn't going to get back to sleep, he spends staring at Harry. Admiring how he'd grown, and absorbing the newfound freedom the two had. 

Then Louis's phone start's blaring.

He feels his eyes narrow and Harry's shifts burying his face into Louis's chest and groans.

"Shh…" Louis untangles himself from Harry's giraffe like limbs and throws the duvet over his huddled form. He snatches the phone of the dresser and hurries into the hallway. Glancing enough at the screen to see Perrie Edwards name flash across.

"Hello?" his voice is still rough and gravelly from sleep (or last nights activities).

He hears a sniff on the other hand than a weak sounding voice, "Louis? This is Louis right?"

His mind still slow and sluggish from sleep registers that he's talking to Perrie and immediately he wonders what the hell he's talking to her for. Her and Zayn broken up months before hand. And he hadn't even spoken to Zayn for months before that.

"Yes-um it is? Perrie? That you?"

"Yeah," she says softly.

He waits a few moments before irritation sets in, "Well what are you calling me for?"

"It's Zayn," she says and he hears her inhale another breath. Louis's feels his stomach drop in the few moments that she waits to continue he wonders if she's trying to edge him on, or just control her own emotions, "He killed-I mean tried to kill himself last night."

"What?" Louis has the sudden urge to throw up, "No that’s-"

"I'm like still his emergency contact, apparently erm- he was suppose to go to this PR meeting and he didn't show up so his manager went to his flat and um…like he OD'd on sleeping pills and downed a bottle of Vodka."

"Shit…" Louis says on an exhale, "Shit…shit-"

He hears her let out a sob, "I need you to come down here-like you in the boys. He doesn't have anything else."

Louis thinks bitterly for a moment that Zayn let go of that all on his own. But part of him also remembers Zayn's timid nature, and the problems he's had since Louis has met him at sixteen. The kid in X-Factor that hardly ever spoke, who had to get dragged on stage, who was self conscious while doing a dance routine no one looked good while doing.

Louis remembers once Zayn admitting that he honestly didn't get why they let him through, or why they bothered putting him into a group. He didn't get why his mum bothered dragging him out of bed the morning of the audition.

He remembers the day Zayn left too, exactly what he said.

'I need to fix myself, my relationship. I don't know if I can't take this anymore.'

Louis at the time thought he just couldn't take the band the constant moving from place to place. He was surprised when he signed the new record, angry. Because if he couldn't take it anymore why was he just signing up for the same gig all over again.

But he realizes it with a sickening feeling that Zayn wasn't over the band.

Fuck…fuck…

"Louis?" Perrie's voice says.

"I'm here," Louis tries to take another breath in to get rid of the tightening feeling grabbing at his chest, "Is he alright."

"Stable," Perrie assures, "Wasn't went I came but he is now, they say he'll take a few more hours to wake up."

"Okay," Louis says.

"Louis you need to come-I can't stay."

Perrie was his ex fiancé, it'd be sort of unfair for her to stay, but she had to still love Zayn why-

"I want too, "she says (Louis wonders in the back of his mind if she's some sort of mind reader), "I really really do, I-my managements angry enough that I've left for two days in the middle of tour."

"Oh," Louis says (because if he can relate to anything, that's going to be angry management), "Oh of course. Me and Harry will book the first flight, and I'll let Liam and Niall know I'm sure they'll be there too."

Perrie breaths out what sounds like a breath of releif before she says, "You know he hasn't been meaning to hurt you."

"I know," Louis says, because in the back of his mind even when he wanted to be angry with Zayn (especially when he was associating with a certain Greasy Burrito) he knew back in his mind that Zayn really wasn't meaning to do anything. He was still that young boy from Branford who had a geeky silly personality, and a sense of rare beauty.

The moment Perrie hangs up it feels like something snap, whatever sense of self control he had is totally lost and he's falling to his knee's his hands hitting the ground with a thud. A choked sob escapes his lips and he hears the bedroom door open.

"Lou?" Harry crouches in front of him cupping his face, "Louis who was on the phone?"

Oh god…oh god. He had to tell Harry now, and Liam and Niall-and it was going to crush all of them. It was going to be a stab to the chest that none of them saw but all of them felt. 

Harry seems to realize he's not going to get anything really out of Louis in this state so he ends up plopping down criss crossed on the floor grabbing Louis carefully and folding him into his own form. Making Louis feel small and young he can hear Harry's soft deep voice murmur a , "Darling c'mon take some deep breath's yeah?" and he can feel the sure circles of a palm rub circles into his back.

Eventually once he's calm enough to form words he tells Harry exactly what Perrie told him, leaving Harry crying out silent tears too. But he mostly keeps it together. Louis knows he'll have his breakdown it usually takes a few hours for things to fully sink in with Harry, he's always been quite good at keeping his emotions inside until he bursts.

Louis usually hates it when Harry bottles things in, but he can't help but feel selfish and glad that Harry's just there for him right now supporting Louis when he can't support himself.

"I gotta call Niall and book-and book some flights…" Louis his breaths still way to fast to be comfortable for anyone.

"We," Harry grabs his hand and twists there fingers together, "always we."

"Yeah," Louis agrees kissing the hand Harry has entwined in his a few times.

"You book the flight, and I'll call Niall and Liam," Harry says softly kissing Louis on the back of the neck before helping him up keepings his hands firm on his shoulder as he walks them to the bedroom.

"No-you shouldn't have to-"

"I have it love," Harry says softly reaching to their bedside table and grabbing the tablet placing it in Louis's hands, "I'm more calm right now, you just find some flights."

He helps Louis in bed and covers him to his waist. Louis grabs the tablet and Harry places his hands on his shoulders giving him an unreadable look.

"Okay," Louis agrees because Harry is right. He can't help but be suddenly so thankful for him, "I love you Harold."

Harry gives him a soft smile leaning down to place a chaste kiss on his lips, "And I love you Louis Tomlinson."

***

When Zayn becomes aware for the second time, he doesn't get confused of where for nearly as long. He does get sort of annoyed again, because why the hell didn't that work? How the hell did he get so unlucky.

He hears hushed voices, "The doctors say he's going to be in a fragile state of mind," Perrie's voice is the most clear, "And they uh, officially diagnosed him with depression and stuff."

"Depression?" it’s a small yet familiar voice and Zayn's heart almost falls to his stomach. Niall.

He opens his eyes slowly, "Niall?" he says. His voice is better, not by much but the slightest bit out.

"Zayn?" Niall's voice comes out in a sob and he's crawling on Zayn's bed choking out sputtering sobs. Zayn isn't quite sure why he's crying but he feels like it's his fault so he opens his arms and lets the smaller boy crawl into him. Niall's almost 23 now, but he's still a child. Still so fragile, still way to good for the world.

"I'm so mad at you," Niall splutters out he's clutching Zayn's hospital gown and burying his face into his chest making his Irish accent muffled and almost non intelligible , "So mad."

"Of course," Zayn only mumble, "I'm sorry."

He left them in the cold, without an explanation. He hardly talked to them for months, and when he did it was usually vague rude tweets. He was horrible. He was such a horrible person. They were his family, his brothers and he just abandoned him. They've been dealing with everything together for five years. And he just up and left, hardly communicated. He was such a fuck up.

He should have just died, he disserved to die. It would have just been easier on everyone if he just died.

"How could you?" Niall says, "Why didn't you call? We could have helped you?"

Zayn stiffens. Because, no, that is not what Niall's suppose to be mad about. Niall should be livid about so many other things. But he's angry he didn't ask for help. Zayn didn't need there help. Zayn…Zayn was the one who abandoned them.

"What?"

"Why didn't you call?" Niall pulls his face up, "We could have helped, talked you through what was wrong?"

"Why," Zayn's voice got unusually raspy and he had a lump in his throat that didn't seem interested in swelling down, "Why would you want to do that?"

Niall's face crumple's in confusion and he opens his mouth to reply when the door swings open.

Louis and Harry slip in the room together (how could Zayn expect any less, they were married and finally out to the public after their contract ended). Harry with a soft rueful smile, Louis with a scowl on his face. 

Louis unlinks his hand from Harry's and marches to the bed his pointer finger out, "Your are a fucking idiot Zayn Malik!"

Zayn flinches a slight bit but he manages to keep a straight face for a few moments of eye contact with Louis. He than drops his head to his chest in shame. 

He was such a burden.

Louis hated him now, it was official. He had some hope with Louis at least, because him and Louis would always get into fights. But they'd usually bounce back no matter the nasty words they said to each other. But Zayn remembers the words he said to Louis back in May, when he outright took the side of a 'friend' whom downright insulted Louis's singing voice (which is something that should never happen). They haven't really spoken since. At all. Even after Zayn realized his mistake. Even after Zayn felt sorry.

Zayn really fucked up this time.

Zayn hears Harry's voice murmur something for Louis's ears only, he catches on to the word  
'gentle' and to the word 'depression'. But nothing else.

For a few moments there's silence.

And then Zayn feels the bed dip and a sudden two fingers on his chin. Louis forces his head up and Zayn is forced to look in his eyes again. Louis's face is a lot softer this time and his eyes feel with a pool of tears, "I…I wished you called yeah? I'm not mad that you didn't I just wish…We could have helped."

Zayn doesn't know how to reply and after a few moments Louis sighs and leans forward nudging a suddenly silent Niall out of the way so Louis could hug Zayn himself. Louis plants a kiss on his cheek than lets go, but Zayn's only replaced to be held close by Harry who's lips brush past his ears, "'M so glad your no dead, Z…so glad."

He should a little choked up and Zayn feels bad because no one should make Harry cry. No one should make any of his boys cry and he has. He's such an insufferable arsehole.

Zayn brings his hand up and scratches Harry's scalp for a few moments in the way he knows Harry likes.

Then Harry's leaving his arms too at the same time the door swings open for a second time.

The last person in the room makes his heart jump.

He hasn't changed at all really since the last time Zayn saw him. He still was built like an American Football player. He still was tall. He still had the softest puppy dog brown eyes.

"Liam…" Zayn breaths out the breath he hadn't know he breathed in.

"You god fucking idiot," Liam's voice is harsh and cold and Zayn flinches and curls into himself. He feels a hand slip into his own, "You think you can just do that? Nothing from you for months. Not even a hello! Hope your doing okay? Or hey, want to hang out text? Nothing! The next think we know Perrie's calling us and telling us you attempted to kill yourself? What the fuck were you thinking? You so- god I can't even look at you!"

And as fast as he was in the room Liam's turned around and running out of the room.

Louis stands up from where he was perched besides Zayn letting go of his hand with one last squeeze in the process, "I'll erm- go after him?"

Zayn stares at the door as he watches Louis slip out too. It's almost like he forgets out to breath. His heart's hammering in his chest faster than ever. His palms are sticky and sweaty.

"Z…babe?" Harry's questioning voice rings through his head. He sits closer to Zayn so his back is resting on the headboard of the hospital bed and slides an arm across Zayn's shoulders. Zayn can't help but curl into his side. Because he missed it. He missed the cuddles the endless sense of comfort the boys always provided him with. Zayn knew he didn't disserved it but he couldn't find himself to care as he melted into Harry's warm embrace, "He didn't mean it babe, he really loves you so much Zayn."

Zayn squeezes his eyes shut to stop the burning in his eyes and nuzzles his way into the crook of Harry's neck.

***  
The moment Liam made it outside he's falling to the floor and sobbing. A few people around him give him odd looks, but he could care less. 

He was such an arsehole really, Zayn didn't disserve to be screamed at, and it's not like Liam did any better of reaching out to him the past few months.

And when Zayn walked in there, he looked so fragile and broken.

The last time Liam saw Zayn was the day that he explained he had to leave. He looked so broken then too. Him explaining that he just wasn't feeling One Direction anymore, and that he had to do what made him happy. And he was over the restricting contract. That he needed to work out a few things with Perrie, and his parents.

Liam expected the next time he'd see Zayn for Zayn to finally look happy, to look free from there contract and their tiring schedule. To maybe even be hopping into his own solo career. But a better one. One that he'd be able to make under his own terms. One that'd be much smarter, because now he new better and was older.

He never thought the next time he'd see Zayn after him leaving would be him in a hospital room because he tried to overdose on sleeping pills. He didn't expect him and Perrie to break up either. He didn't expect when he called up Zayn's mother before he boarded the plane to LA to find out Zayn's mum couldn't come (because Zayn's dad forbid it) and in fact they haven't spoken in two months.

He was so confused. Just because Zayn left the band didn't mean there friendship ended it didn't mean Zayn couldn’t have called them because he felt like he was going through a downward spiral.

Liam sobs harder at that, because, god Zayn was going through all this practically alone. 

"Oh Li," Liam here's a familiar voice coo out. He feels arm under his armpits hauling up then a soft murmur of "C'mon off the ground."

Louis brings him over to a nearby bench and Liam continues to just cry for awhile. Louis is patient through it petting his hair and mumbling comforting words. Eventually his cries soften to silent tears, "I'm such an arse," he eventually mumbles out.

Louis hums and tucks him closer making Liam feel small even though he's the quite larger of the two (although Liam supposes Louis has the ability to make everyone feel small), "You are," Louis agrees, "You could have waited to hash out your feelings, when he was a little less fragile."

"I-it just all rushed at me at once I didn't mean-"

"Oh hush," Louis says, "I'm of course being hypocritical. I may or may not have sort of yelled at him too."

"Oh," Liam says, "Then we were both twats."

"Yes," Louis agrees, "we were."

For awhile they sit in silence until Liam felt fully calmed down to the point where he wasn't crying nor shaking with sobs anymore, "I think…I think I should go back, and apologize."

"I think," Louis says with a soft smile, "That's an amazing idea."

Liam, and Louis walk back into the hospital and to Zayn's room in relative silence until there right outside of Zayn's door.

"Do you love him still?" Louis asks.

"What of course I do-"

"No I mean like you loved him when he left like you wanted to kiss him and stuff love him," Louis doesn't sound mocking like he did when he first asked Liam the question three years ago now between Danielle and Sophia.

"Yeah," Liam says, "Pretty sure I do."

When the go back inside Niall's at the foot of the bed somewhat sprawled out like a cat dead asleep, he'd probably had a funky flight flying from Ireland to LA. Harry is next to Zayn, Zayn tucked into his side so his face was covered in the crook of Harry's neck while Harry chatted with Perrie softly.

"He asleep?" Louis asks.

Zayn looks out from Harry's neck and makes eye contact with Liam before cringing and looking back into the crook of Harry's neck.

Liam's stomach drops.

Harry gives him an encouraging smile as Liam cautiously goes to the bed sitting by Niall's head. Niall stirs a littlie but curls up even more, "Z?"

Zayn looks out again, "I'm sorry…" his eyes fill with tears, "I should have called I was being a twat."

"No…no…" Liam swallows because he had to be strong now, he did his crying outside. He pat's Zayn's leg, "You know that calling thing was a two way street, I could have called you too..yeah? And I'm not angry at you for trying…" Liam couldn't find himself to say the words, "I'm really sad about it, because your…I don't know how you could ever put yourself that low."

"I wasn't thinking," Zayn says but his voice is strangely monotone as he says this words. As if they were practiced, and yeah maybe they were practiced, because that's what people are suppose to say after they try to kill themselves. They were just not thinking.

"I know babe," Liam squeezes his leg and Zayn goes back to that spot in the crook of Harry's neck.

After awhile he admits soft snores.

The room falls into a soft chatter awhile later, "I don't want to go tomorrow," Perrie says she looks the worse Liam's ever seen her (still stunning none less) , "I really…really don't wan to go."

"We know," Louis assures patting her shoulder.

Perrie wasn't really a bad girl. She was always nice and funny, and snarky at times. But never overbearing or rude. She new what she wanted, and she'd always get it. Liam always saw that as an admirable trait. He's always be unbearably jealous of the attention he got from Zayn. Sure Zayn was his best friend but Zayn's attention towards Liam, and Zayn's attention towards Perrie were different for considerable reasons.

"Did any of you know he's gotten into an argument with his parents?"

Perrie sucks in a breath and the rest shake their heads and then look at Perrie.

"I'm sure you all know Zayn's Bisexual," they all nod slowly. Zayn's mentioned in passing a few times. "His parents didn't know. Um like a week or two after we broke up his mum called me in a panic claiming I had to turn him straight again. So like I called him and asked him what it was about and he…calmly like too calmly explained to me that they apparently didn't like that he also liked boys so his dad like started to beat him up."

There's a silence for a moment until Louis speaks looking confused and a little angry , "That doesn't makes sense, they knew about me and Haz since like the beginning they've been…accepting?"

"Apparently it's different with their own son," Perrie mumbles.

***  
The next morning Zayn is woken up to a tearful Perrie who is explaining that her plane is leaving in an hour and they have to head to the airport.

They hug for awhile. Zayn burying his face in her cherry smelling hair. She felt so familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time. 

When they let go of each other she plants a sloppy kiss on his cheek, "I'm calling every week? Got it? And if you don't answer I'm calling Louis and forcing you to talk to me?"

Zayn doesn't doubt her he gives her a soft smile and a squeeze of the hand before she grudgingly turns around, "Walk me out Liam?" she requests.

He looks baffled, and Zayn's a little baffled why she would want him to walk her out. It's not like they didn't get along, they just necessarily weren’t the best of friends either. Liam nods anyway and grabs her suitcase for her and the two of them are gone leaving only Niall in the room since Harry and Louis went out to find some non hospital food.

"You reckon she still loves you?" Niall asks eventually his voice slow and careful, he knows he's going into rocky waters with this one, "Like I know she loves you-just you think she loves you the way she used to love you."

"No," Zayn frowns, "I don't think she does."

"Do you?"

Zayn plays with a piece of loose string on his hospital gown, "I'm not sure, I think maybe. I stopped loving her in a romantic way before I even left the band. One of the reasons I left, to try to save that."

"I'm sorry," Niall eventually says scooting up the bed and nuzzling is way into Zayn's arms, "You'll find someone Z."

***  
Perrie's silent until her and Liam enter the elevator.

"Your in love with him," Perrie states. She doesn't sound too angry or bitter about it. Instead she sounds almost wistful.

Liam almost chokes on his own spit taking such a fast breath, "No," Liam immediately says. Because admitting this to Louis is one thing, admitting it to Perrie…well…, "I have Sophia."

Perrie scoffs, "Don't patronize me, I'm not daft, I've seen you two for awhile. I just-I never admitted it honestly because I loved Zayn so much. I thought it was okay, because he was fine with me. He wasn't, when he left he tried to love me the way he loved you-"

"He doesn't love me," Liam assures.

"Daft, Liam. Your honestly daft," Perrie says but she's smiling softly, "It eventually hurt to much-and I just had to set him free. I was hoping eventually he'd find his way back to you. Of course now the circumstances sort of suck."

 

"I have Sophia," Liam repeats.

The elevator dings open and Perrie sighs quite loudly taking the small duffle from Liam's hands. She turns around suddenly and wraps her arms around Liam. Liam's a bit surprise but he hugs her back none less, "The way I determined weather it was a good idea to stay with Zayn or not was thinking about the future. I thought about if me and Zayn actually went through with the marriage we've been talking about for two years, that it'd have to have no regrets by either of us. And I realizes Zayn would regret not being with you, and I'd regret not letting him."

She plants a kiss on his cheek and lets go of him.

Liam watches her walk across the parking lot and watches her board the bus. And he stands there for another five minutes, taking a few deep breaths before he renters the hospital building


	2. Chapter 2

They let Zayn get discharged from the Hospital later that day.

He was still unbelievably tired, his limbs felt like led half the time, but he could get out of bed and walk around a little bit now. And his 24 hours of suicide watch had ended a few hours prior, meaning he was free to go any time. He was antsy to leave the place, but at the same time incredibly nervous to what he'd have to deal with outside of the walls.

Niall claims Zayn is too weak to walk just for the point of being able to wheel him out of the hospital in a wheelchair. Turning halls sharply and almost throwing Zayn out or crashing him into walls or other people. While it was kind of a bumpy ride, and not as fun as they make it seem like in movies. It was still nice, an odd kind of nice, but nice.

"Unfortunately, you still have tour in three months," explains Louis as Liam pulls out of the parking spot, "Your albums still going to be released next week but there's not going to be a whole lot of interviews or anything. If there is going to be it's going to be over the phone. Us lot will stay with you, make sure you get back on your feet. Take medication and don't do anything stupid."

"Sorry to tell you but I don't think my flat's going to be big enough for the five of us," Zayn states wryly.

"You still haven't moved out of that damn flat?" Louis swats his shoulder playfully with a low chuckle.

IT was a studio apartment. One room/living room/kitchen and a bathroom. It wasn't in the best part of LA either (which is why he thinks no ones even spotted him yet, because no one bothers to look for Zayn Malik in the ghetto-that and he doesn't really leave his flat much).

"It's no bother, there's more than enough room in me and Louis's new place, for all of us. Be just like at the beginning. Group sleepover's 'n everything," Harry states excitedly and he has an expression on his face that reminds Zayn of the sixteen year old boy he first met.

"Yeah," Zayn tries to sound excited but he sounds sort of exasperated and he hates it, because he should be happy, he needs to be happy now so everyone can stop worrying about him, "Fantastic. Don't you all have lives?"

Niall chuckles twisting his torso from the passenger seat to look Zayn in the eyes giving him a crooked grin, "We're on hiatus mate, remember?"

Zayn actually does. The whole hiatus break that suspiciously happened right after their contract ended. Their management didn't like a lot of breaks between albums or touring. It was beyond exhausting and stressful for everyone. There was hardly any time to not be an international pop star. There were weeks where you'd be running on only a few hours of sleep.

"Yeah but shouldn't you guys be with your family?" Zayn says, "I don't want to-"

"Chill out Zaynie," Harry nudges him causing Zayn to nock into Louis (and a Harry nudge was more like a shove because while Harry was friendly he was most defiantly a giant), "We've had a month full of family time. If I here my mum or Louis's mum ask us one more time about grandchildren I think I'm going to hurl."

"Liar," Louis teases but he looks incredibly fond which makes Zayn's heart ache for some odd reason, "Every time you see a child you practically melt."

"Your no better," Harry retorts returning the fond look.

Ugh.

Fucking heart eyes, that's one thing he did and didn't miss while he was on tour with these too.

"Remind me why I'm sat between you too? You look like your having sex with your eyes?" Zayn states. And it's a sort of lie. Because he knows Louis and Harry have always been so happy with each other and they've always been punished for being so happy with each other. Closeted for years. But now they weren't and they seemed so relaxed now.

"Because we're all afraid you'll decide to throw yourself out the passenger door," Liam states speaking for the first time since they've gotten into the car.

The car goes into a silence and Louis leans forward and whacks him in the back of the head his face going from his 'fond Harry look' to incredibly dark, "Too fucking soon Liam."

(although with his accent I sounded more like fooking)

But instead of being horribly offended like he should have been, Zayn actually starts spluttering laughter. Loud booming laughter deep from his chest. His eyes burn from the harshness of the laughter and he's almost coughing, doubling over from the shaking force of it.

For a few moments the rest stare at him like he's crazy (aside from Liam who keeps his eyes on the road) but then there joining him. Making Zayn laugh even louder than before.

Once there done laughing, gasping for breath, "I don't even know what was so funny about that, that was really mean Liam?"

"'M sorry," Liam actually sounds sorry, "I'm just tired."

"It was nice to hear you laugh Zayn," Harry states cupping Zayn's face with one hand and pushing his thumb against Zayn's upturned mouth, "This is going to sound insane but I don't think I've heard you laugh like that in almost two years."

Looking back on it Zayn doesn't think he's laughed like that in two years and suddenly his smile is wiped off his face.

***

That night they all sit around the living room when Zayn's mobile rings. He absentmindedly picks it up to see a silly picture of Donyia light up the screen.

"It's Donyia…" Zayn breaths out, his heart is racing and he suddenly feels way too hot, even though he could have sworn he was actually kind of cold before. 

"Well go on," Niall says nudging him up then giving him a supportive squeeze on the shoulder, "Go into the kitchen, we wont listen in or anything."

Zayn stands up padding out of the living room and into the nice kitchen next door. He answers it moments before it should have gone to voicemail, "Donnie?" he breaths out.

He feels so small, so young and vulnerable suddenly. Feeling like he was much younger than 23, much younger than an adult. Rather a small child. 

"Oh, Zayn…" her voice is so soft, sounding so much like his mother right there that he almost cries, or cringes. She nor his other siblings were supposedly not allowed to speak to Zayn anymore, not until Zayn got his sexuality straight, and stopped mucking about. He hasn't heard from any of them for months. He wasn't even sure if they hated him or not. 

He hears her sniff on the other end.

"I'm sorry," Zayn feels bad now really bad. He hated making his sisters cry. He hated to see them cry. And he was making Donyia cry right now. He was such a fuck up, "I didn't mean to hurt you…I just wanted…"

"I know," she assures her voice soft and careful, "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have listened to him, I'm and adult-"

"No…no-I know why you listened to Baba," Zayn says… she out of everyone shouldn't be sorry. None of his sisters should be sorry. The boys shouldn't be sorry. Zayn was the one who made the mistake, why was everyone else apologizing he tries to swallow the growing lump in his throat, "IT's alright."

"It's not," Donyia says letting out another sob and Zayn feels his heart shatter at the words, "You felt like you had to kill yourself, it's not alright."

Zayn likes to think feeling that way was perfectly alright, because maybe it was the first time he'd had control over his life in a long time. Choosing life or death. But then again he didn't even get to choose. He can't even kill himself right.

Suck a fucking fuck up, just like his Baba told him.

"You shouldn't be talking to me," Zayn eventually says realization, "Baba will be angry."

"I-I don't care. You wont call mum to tell her your alright and I know why. I just had to hear you myself, yeah?"

"Okay," Zayn says, "How are Waliyha and Safaa."

"Wali's doing so good in school-she's smart like you. And Safaa's still a little adorable demon, but she got the lead in her Ballet recital and she's ecstatic."

"Seriously!" Zayn felt a grin form on his lips. Waliyha was always so sharp and Safaa loved Ballet more than anything. He felt pride swell in his chest because yeah, those were his sisters, the sharp and sensible Waliyha the talented Safaa graceful and young and pure, and Donyia…the kind and sweet and supportive gentle big sister. Zayn wipes tears from his own eyes. He missed them so much. 

"Yeah," Donyia laughs but she still sounds like she's crying, "They miss you though. Mum and Baba won't even let them talk about you anymore. Although it doesn't stop Safaa much."

Zayn finds his heart soaring, yeah nothing stops Safaa.

"I'm going to see if I can get down to LA, just for a quick visit…" Donyia says.

"Baba-"

"I don't care Zayn," she says, "I'm an adult, and your my brother. I'll see you if I want. I'll try to get Waliyha and Safaa on the phone too, yeah?"

"That's amazing," Zayn says wiping tears from his own eyes.

"I have to go," she says sounding so regretful and Zayn wishes he could just hug her, "I love you baby bro."

"Love you Donnie," he mumbles back before hearing the line go dead.

He stands in the kitchen with tears running down his face for awhile. He missed them so much. He missed his mum and his Baba too, even after what they did to them. He missed the simplicity of life before his mid started going to crap.

He feels suddenly hot again and like he can't breathe and he's crying harder and harder, his knee's feel weak and he's clattering on the floor trying to grip the counter next to him but only accidentally knocking down a vase.

The boys immediately rush into the room at the sound of breaking glass.

Liam's the first to react crouching in front of Zayn and then grabbing him by the armpit and hauling him back up to his feet and walking (practically dragging him) to the living room and bringing him over to the couch. 

Liam then hugs him tight wrapping around him and Zayn latches on like a young child. Zayn for the first time in days feels so safe and wanted. Liam's hushing comforting words into Zayn's ear.

Zayn realizes that this is the first time since Liam rushed into the hospital with such harsh words, besides the pats on the legs and an occasional shoulder squeeze, he's gone and been comforted Liam. Been reminded that maybe Liam actually still loved him.

"I miss them so much," Zayn cries out eventually, feeling so vulnerable (but he can't help but not even mind because it's Liam) , "Why don't my parents love me anymore?"

"They do they do-they're just confused. They'll come around…"

"No," Zayn sits up and looks Liam in the eyes, "you didn't see him Liam. I told him I also like boys, and he-he went crazy he hit me. I've-I've never seen him lay a hand on anyone before. I've never seen him that angry….I-"

Zayn chokes out some more sobs and Liam just grabs him by the back of his head kisses him on the forehead, "Than he's an idiot, and he doesn’t disserve your be your father. You never disserve to be hit. You disserve all the love in the world yeah?"

When Zayn doesn't respond, Liam pinches him lightly on the elbow, "'M serious Zayn, you don't understand how much people love you."

Zayn nods, even though he doesn't believe it. He takes a deep breath and tries not to cry. Burrowing himself in Liam's side.

"How are your sisters?" Liam asks.

Zayn tells him exactly what Waliyha says on the phone adding in details on how Safaa's been working really hard in Ballet all year, and how Waliyha was so smart. He describes how comforting Donyia could be. Eventually though his words start to get slurred and his eyes droop closed and his limbs feel heavy.

"Bed?" Liam asks when Zayn starts to trail off in one of his sentences.

Zayn nods and hums softly and feeling Liam lift him up off the couch like he weighted nothing.

"Think you've gotten even stronger Payno, not struggling one bit," Zayn nuzzles his head into the crook of Liam's neck just cause he can.

"No," Liam says, his voice not joking at all, sounding concerned and part of him hates that, "You've just gotten crazy light."

Zayn doesn't have a response to that but he hears Liam kick a door open and he feels himself being places on a soft bed. Zayn goes blindly to take his shirt of but he's honestly struggling, eventually Liam bats his hands away and takes his shirt of for him, doing the same with his jeans.

It should have been seen as intimate, but it wasn't, it was incredibly comforting.

He missed Liam, he really did. Liam always took care of him.

Liam grabs the blankets and starts tucking them around Zayn, and when he's about to leave the room. No, he doesn’t want Liam to leave, because without Liam he wont be feeling this false feeling of protection. Zayn grabs Liam's wrist, "Stay?" Zayn doesn't like how small his voice has become he was twenty-three for fucks sake it he had to stop acting like a indecisive child, "Please?"

"Yeah," Liam says taking off his own shirt and jeans before flicking the light switch off and crawling under the covers. Immediately gathering Zayn into his arms, making Zayn feel much smaller in an oddly comforting way.

"Thank you Liam," Zayn mumbles sleepily.

Liam kisses his cheek lightly and Zayn hopes Liam can't see the blush in such dim lighting, "Sleep, Zayn."

And he does.

***

Liam wakes up to a familiar ring tone and someone in his arms. He wakes up to see Zayn fast asleep, not even phased by the annoying noise (alarms never woke up, neither did ring tones. Zayn was the kind of boy who literally either woke up one his own at noon, or was dragged out of bed).

Liam arranges Zayn out of his arms turning to tuck him in comfortably again before leaning down to his jeans pocket to grab his phone slipping out of the room and answering before even looking at who it is.

"Hello," Liam asks through a yawn padding down the hallway and into the living room of the house. He notes Harry's awake sitting on the couch watching the morning news (Harry liked watching the news for some odd reason, said it comforted him, it only made Liam depressed). 

"Oh fantastic now I know your not dead," a female voice says, "Liam James Payne, have you evne looked at your phone in two days?"

Fuck! It was Sophia! Not that he purposely has been trying to avoid his girlfriend, but he did sort of fly out of London last minute to live with Zayn because Zayn tried to commit suicide three days ago. How was he suppose to explain that to Sophia. Whom he planned on moving in with the next week. Ok so yeah, maybe he kind of was avoiding her…

"I'm sorry," Liam winces sitting on the couch. Harry immediately lays down placing his head in Liam's lap and looking up at him curiously (somewhat reminding Liam of a cat).

"I'm sorry?" Sophia snaps and he flinches, Harry feels it and slides his hand into Liam's, "God Liam you better have an explanation."

"Erm-Zayn tried to commit suicide…" Liam says his voice sounding airy.

"What?" her voice goes into a soft hiss, "Your kidding?"

"Yeah-I'm sorry-things have sort of been a mess. Took the first flight from London, and things have been sort of whirlwind since then. I…guess I didn't know how to explain it, yet. So I was waiting till things calmed down to talk to you."

"Oh," she said her tone changing remarkably fast, "Of course that's understandable."

"Yeah," he says breathing out a sigh of relief, "I'm really sorry."

"Not your fault," she assures, "When will you be back?"

"I'm not sure yet-few months maybe?"

"Few months!" she gasps her tone going from understand to incredibly angry all of a sudden and Liam flinches yet again, "Are you kidding me?"

"Erm yeah, I have to stay and make sure he gets back up off his feet," Liam says. What doesn't she get about that, this is expected? It's Zayn for Christ sake.

"You don't Liam," Sophie sounds like a scolding mother and Liam didn't like it because he didn't need a mother who scolded him he needed a supportive girlfriend, "Zayn left you, you shouldn't just go back when he screams for your attention."

"Zayn left the band," Liam was kind of getting annoyed, "Not our friendships. Zayn's always going be my best friend Soph, and he most defiantly didn't do this for attention."

Sophia scoffs, "Sure he didn't, god your so daft Liam, that boys manipulating you."

Liam see's red. How dare she! She was being so incredibly unreasonable right now this felt like a whole different Sophia. 

"He tried to kill himself Sophia, and you think he's manipulating me are you-"

"We were going to move in Liam," she says, "In a week- hell your were going to pop the question some time in the next year…right? You can't put your life on hold because someone you left you is trying to be an attention whore!"

She did not just call…Zayn. Vulnerable small…Zayn. He couldn't believe her. Sophia was suppose to support him. Liam could understand she was upset about the change of plans, but he was still loyal to her, he still loved her. She should understand the fact that Zayn, someone who meant so much to him, needed him right now. And he couldn't just leave him.

"Say that one more time-"

"Liam-"

"Call me back when you stop insulting my friends, and then we can talk."

Liam hangs up and groans out in annoyance putting his head back, and fighting the urge to scream.

"Are you alright?" Harry squeezes his hand. Due to the level Sophia was talking, Liam has no doubt Harry heard every word of that conversation. He would care except for the fact that he probably would have still told Harry about the conversation anyways, because Harry's the only one at the band who can give somewhat decent advice, well at least the of the current band members.

"I don't know where the hell that came from," Liam says, "I've never seen her talk so cruel about anyone."

"Jealousy can do funny things," Harry says softly.

"Sophia isn't jealous of Zayn," Liam states…sure he loves Zayn…and he'll admit more than a friend even. But he was loyal to Sophia, the one who loves him back the one he's been in a few year long relationship with. She was just being dumb, "Zayn's my bestfriend, she's my girlfriend. I love them both but in different ways."

"Do you really?" Harry says, "Louis is my fiancé, Liam, and my best friend."

He did make a valid point, even before him and Harry were together, they acted like they were together. 

"Okay maybe I do love them in the same way," Liam finally relents, "But I'm with Sophia, and I know Sophia loves me back. Zayn doesn't love me the way I want him too. I excepted that awhile ago."

Harry sits up with a roll of his eyes muttering something about daft friendships before turning to Liam, "Help me make breakfast? Louis and Niall should be up soon, and they'll start complaining about being hungry."

***

"Zayn," a voice says softly, "Zee?"

"Liam?" Zayn mumbles tiredly.

Zayn hears a snort, "You wish."

Zayn cracks an eye open to see Louis's mischievous up to no good smile grin back at him. Zayn sits up tiredly, "Where's Liam?"

"Got up an hour ago cause of a phone call with Sophia, they got into an argument."

"Liam and Sophia? Get into a fight?" Zayn raises a surprised eyebrow. Sophia and Liam were the fucking definition of a power couple. Louis smirks and tosses some clothing from a duffle bag Niall went and picked up from his apartment a few days before at him.

"I know," Louis says but his voice is laces with sarcasm, "surprising."

Zayn's slightly confused but he doesn't bother to ask Louis to elaborate.

"What about?" Zayn asks instead.

"I assume she's a little disappointed Liam wont be their for them to move in together next week," Louis says sitting on the edge of Zayn's bed and pinches Zayn's side, "You've lost weight."

"Being away from Harry's cooking for a year may be able to do that to you," comments Zayn briskly. He knows the real reason though. Sometimes, especially in the weeks following his parents disowning, he'd just lay in bed for days he wouldn't shower-he wouldn't eat. Nor would he even feel hungry. He wouldn't really do anything but muck around in bed determining where his life went wrong. He never exactly found answers.

Louis hums in response not looking quite believing of Zayn's excuse and Zayn can't blame him, he's always been a shit liar, "Well Harry's made breakfast, so we'll have a chance to fatten you back up."

***  
After they all ate Harry's breakfast, Harry volunteers to bring Zayn back down to his apartment so he can grab some of his stuff and his dog.

Harry doesn't know quite how he feels about going to the apartment. He knows he's the only one who can handle it (he also knows that's bullshit). He knows whatever he see's there isn't going to be pretty. He knows it's probably filled with broken promises. Because if Harry knows one thing about a home it represents who you really are.

"Where is Snickers?" Zayn asks on the way there.

Harry assumes that's the Bulldogs name. Harry's actually only seen that single tweeted picture of it a few months ago. He had no real idea where it came from, "With your neighbor, Lauren I think? Spoke to her on the phone today, seemed nice."

Zayn smiles softly, "She's amazing."

"Where'd you get the bulldog?" Harry ends up asking

"My next door neighbor…Tony I think? OD'd on some heavy drugs," Zayn suddenly looks really sad, "Police were going to give it to the shelter and I just… I took it then did practically the same thing."

Harry's silent for a few moments because he doesn't really have a good answer. Yeah, Zayn practically did the same thing.

"It's going to get better," Harry says, "You won't try again, you have us now."

Zayn smiles softly and nods running a hand through his short black hair. 

The Apartment complex is just how Harry remembers it, Cockroaches everywhere and a faint smell of mildew, weed, and alcohol. Zayn likes it for whatever reason. He has an explanation that's never made much sense to Harry. But it's Zayn, and while being stupid about some things, he's unbelievably smart and perceptive about other things. So he trust's him.

Zayn stops just outside of his own room and suddenly goes pale, "I don't think I'm going to like what I see in there."

Harry reaches down and grabs Zayn's hand. Zayn looks up looking much younger than twenty-three. Much more innocent, much like the old Bradford boy they knew all those years ago.

Zayn' grips onto his hand and unlocks the door pushing inside. Immediately there comforted with the overwhelming smell of weed, and another more acidic smell.

Harry's eyes narrow into the couch. The bottle of Vodka was empty. There were some fallen pills on the ground along with a pool of dried vomit against the once crème colored carpet. Harry tries not to cringe but he does anyways, because fuck…Zayn tried to kill himself. 

Harry turns and faces Zayn who's also staring at it a look a peer horror drawn across his features. 

"I can't believe…I tried to kill myself Harry…" Zayn says it as if it's the first time he's actually realized what he tried to do. 

Harry feels his eyes burn, "I know."

"Why didn't it work," Zayn blurts, "I…I shouldn’t…"

"You still had some shit to do here Zayn," Harry says ,"You couldn't leave us just yet."

Zayn doesn't reply but he turns and clasps into Harry. Harry smiles softly his eyes still trained on the spot of ruin. He let's Zayn cry for awhile. Rubbing up and down his back and shushing his soft whimpering noises. 

His mind trails back to a time so long ago (but in the grand scheme of things only a short time) when they were still in X Factor. When Harry literally made himself sick with nerves and the others tried to make him better with jokes and light hearted conversations. Zayn was the only one who could really get through to him. He didn't have to use jokes, or lighthearted conversations. He held Harry until his shaking tremors stopped, he talked but not too him. He told him about how nervous he was to dance, he tells him how nervous he gets before every first day of school. How he's always afraid of what people think of him.

He made Harry feel better by just understanding him.

He hopes he can do the same for Zayn.

Once Zayn's cries turn into soft hiccups he lets go of Zayn after one more tight squeeze. Zayn turns his head to look at the spot, but Harry lightly pushes his finger on his jaw and turns his face back toward Harry, "C'mon don't look at it lets just grab your clothes."

Zayn goes to his closet grabbing out a few t shirts and throwing them into a duffle. Harry can't help but grab every t shirt and pair of pants and fold them into little squares fitting much nicer.

When Zayn starts to notice he rolls his eyes fondly but says nothing.

***

Zayn knocks on Lauren's door Harry standing hesitantly behind him. 

When she opens the door her eyes widen and she looks up and down for a little while before diving forward and enveloping him into a tight hug, "You fucking idiot," Zayn can feel a wetness growing on his shoulder. He rolls his eyes at the overdramatic but wraps his arms around her anyway.

"ZAYNIE!" a young voice yells.

Lauren let's go only for Todd to rush over and grab onto his leg. Todd was Lauren's seven year old brother. She was only twenty her parents died sometime last year causing her to have to drop out of college get a job and take care of her brother. For some odd reason the two became friends. They were both unbelievably lonely. Lauren's college friends drifting away after Todd came into her custody. Zayn drifting away from most human contact.

He's babysat Todd countless times, and had dinner with them countless more. He told her things he didn't tell anyone. She was one of his best friends now, like another sister to him, and Todd was like the little brother he never got the chance to have.

"Harry fucking Styles," she says hitting him hard twice in the shoulder, "You brought Harry fucking Styles to my house."

Zayn rolls his eyes before sarcastically, "We were only in a band for five years."

"Hi darling!" Harry says. Zayn rolls his eyes fondly at the curly headed boy's constant charm, it could be quite exhausting to say the least.. Harry goes and hugs her too. Enveloping her into his arms, "So nice to meet you."

"Where's Snickers?"

Lauren rolls her eyes fondly, "Lazy things dead asleep."

Snickers did have a tendency to be quite lazy, which Zayn sort of appreciated. He was nice to just have a nice lazy cuddle with on days where he didn't want to leave the house (which was almost all the time these past few months).

Lauren nods to her sofa and Zayn see's the Brown and White dog lift his head. The dog seems to realize who it is immediately and he leaps off the couch and bounds over with his clumsy short legs. Zayn crouches and smiles as the dog rushes into him and licks at his face excitedly.

He scratches behind his ears and Snickers nuzzles his head roughly into Zayn's torso.

"Going to miss him, I suppose," Lauren looks down crossing her arms and running a hand through her blond hair, "Finally was getting used to having him around."

Zayn snorts because as much as he loves the bastard, the dog can sort of be a lazy bum half the time. Always either eating or sleeping.

"I'd love to ask you guys to stay for lunch, but I have to get the demon to school, and myself to work…"

"Hey!" Todd wines. Lauren looks at him with a certain fondness that can't be measured.

"We can drive him," Zayn looks at the time, "We've already made your run late, I've driven him down there countless times."

Lauren hesitates for a moment (because even after a year of Zayn helping her out she's good at refusing just about everything) before nodding tightly, "Of course thank you."

She stands on her tippy toes to kiss Zayn on the cheek before moving her lips to his ears to whisper, "Don't be stupid again got it? I just- I don't want to see someone else getting dragged out in a body bag. I've seen too many of those."

Zayn wraps his arms around her and squeezes her with sympathy, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be-it- it isn't your fault, yeah you can't help to be…."

"Depressed?"

"Wished you reached out babe, that's all," she says softly.

She nods and pats his cheek before turning to hug Harry, "Take care of the bastard, and don't get in a car crash with the demon."

(Zayn's starting to think Laurens having issues remembering names)

"You be good," she wags her fingers at Todd whom had been gathering his school stuff than turns back to Zayn and much more lightheartedly says, "Don't be a stranger either, drop on by whenever for dinner or something?"

"Of course," Zayn nods watching her slip out the door. She gives him one last tight smile before closing the door.

"Got everything kiddo?" Zayn looks down at Todd.

Todd nods giving him a toothy smile and grabs his hand as they walk out the door, "I missed you," he says.

"I was only gone for four days," Zayn chuckles.

"Well it's no fun without you around, we don't have an XBOX and even with an XBOX sissy won't ever play Lego Spiderman with me," Todd says hopping down the stares jumping with two feet. Zayn catches eye of Harry trailing behind him holding Zayn's second duffle.

"You could have played while I was gone," Zayn says grabbing Todd by the elbow before he toppled over. Todd stopped jumping down the stares and bounded down one foot at a time normally, "'S not like you guys don't have a key to my house." 

"I said that too," Todd states, "But sissy said your house was icky."

"Oh…right," Zayn says, "Suppose I can move the XBOX to your house now. I'm sure Louis has one in his and Harry house."

"He has two," Harry cuts in with a fond roll of his eyes, "One for each floor apparently."

"Like you don't spend big bucks on 1,000 dollar pairs of boots…"

Harry smirks and doesn't reply.

"But it's no fun playing alone," Todd wines.

"I'll come over-or you can even come over to Louis's and Harry's house. I'm sure Liam would love Lego Spiderman."

"Does he have good food?"

"As long as Niall's there and Harry's cooking I suppose so," Zayn smirks opening the back door of Harry's car and helping Todd in even strapping the seat belt for him.

"Then it's a deal," Todd grins.

Zayn can't help the smile that makes his eyes crinkle.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a good day.

The date was September third, a month and a half after him and Perrie broke up. Almost six months since he'd left One Direction and for the first time in awhile he was happy. Lately a cloud of unfamiliar sadness as appeared and Zayn doesn't know how else to get it away except surrounding himself by the people who he loves.

It started with Donyia picking him up from the airport, her Uni started in a week and he was excited to see her (and selfishly spend some time with her away from his other sisters who already started school). 

He went home, where Waliyha and Safaa were already home and with his parents permission took them all down to the Laser tag place down the street where they played and laughed. It was fun, he missed his sisters dearly. He felt the biggest downside to the X Factor, and One Direction, is that he wasn't here a lot. He felt like he missed his sisters growing up in some ways and it made him almost sick sometimes.

When they get him, his mum's made his favorite meal for dinner and his Baba is lively and happy as ever. The two of them talk, and talk and talk. 

The darkness that seemed to take over his mind was seemingly gone replaced with a sense of belonging for the first time in awhile the thought maybe everything could be okay.

It was a good as time as any to tell them, Safaa had already asked if it was true him and Perrie weren’t together anymore. He'd confirmed it of course. (He also said Perrie told him to tell them they could still call her at any time. Him and Perrie left each other at good terms of course, promising one day they might be able to even be friends. )

Waliyha then asked why they'd broken up. Zayn told her that he'd explain later.

It was brought up at again right at desert by his mum.

"Why did you break up with Perrie," his mum gives him a concerned look, "You two were just so good together, of course we support you if you thought otherwise, but we'd just like to know why?"

Donyia shifts uncomfortably almost as if she could sense something big, something bad about to happen.

"Well…I… I had feeling for someone else, and I loved Perrie, but I just couldn't love her enough and she could see that and she decide to let me free I guess…"

"And who was it who you have feelings for hm?" his Baba asks him slowly.

Zayn get's really uncomfortable then, because…well here it goes.

"It doesn't matter really, he'll never love me back."

"He?" Baba snorts rolling his eyes. Zayn see's his mother shift uncomfortably from where she was now standing at the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room.

Zayn feels heat rush up to his face and okay…just rip it off like a bandage, "Yes…he… Baba- I'm Bisexual."

Zayn's mother drops the dish she was holding in her hands, it falls to the ground with a shattering clash. She's looking at Zayn with wide, disbelieving, disapproving eyes. This was going to be bad, Zayn could already tell. This was going to be so bad.

His Baba laughs loud and boomingly as if Zayn had just told the best joke, "Funny Zayn, but seriously why'd you two break up?"

"I'm not kidding Baba," Zayn says feeling nervous and a little sick actually. He feels just like he did when he was told he wasn't going to make it in the X Factor.

His father's face darkens suddenly and his gaze at Zayn makes Zayn feel even worst. He just wants to melt under his father heated glaze "Girls go to your room."

"But baba-" little Safaa argues, "What does Bisexual even mean why-"

"Go to your room Safaa!" his father booms in a voice Zayn has never heard before. Than none of them have ever heard before. Safaa bursts in tears.

"C'mon Saf," Donyia says dragging the youngest of the Malik's up the stairs. Waliyha trudging behind with big wide eyes. Donyia…Donyia's face is cast downwards, and Zayn can't read her expression. Does she hate him too…for something he can't even control.

He turns back to his father who's still glaring at him, "This is just a phase, this will be more excusable if it's just a phase!"

Excusable, phase. His father may be disapproving of being gay. But did he seriously think what Zayn was going through a phase. He's had these feelings about boys since years ago, since before Liam even when he was ten and the girl next to him with brown hair and blue eyes was just so pretty, but the next week he'd moved on to her older brother who was older. In middle school! With muscles and a tan and even more pretty. They were both nice really.

"It's not a phase," Zayn snaps, "Of course it isn't a phase it's who I am, I like dick for Christ sake! I'm in love with Liam, what the hell is wrong with that!"

His father stands up, and Zayn has never seen him stand so tall before. Zayn can't help but tremble under his harsh gaze. His mother just stands their as his father steps closer and closer until he's right in front of Zayn's seat and then he slaps him so hard he falls right out of his chair and onto the hard wooden floor.

"Baba!" cries Zayn, feeling like a young teenager. Feeling totally not like himself. This was not his Baba, this was not the person who raised him. He never hit his children. He never talked about hitting his children He never raised his voice. He was the one to scold with careful words. He didn't hit his children.

But their Zayn was with a red hand imprint the size of his father big hand.

His father kicks him right in the gut, "I am not your Baba-your father as long as you act like a faggot. You will get back with Perrie because this was just a fucking phase."

"No baba I-"

"You fuck up!"

He kicks him hard again this time in the head. Zayn see's spots and someone grabbing him by his armpit and dragging him across the living room out the door and into the snowy cold.

He's still dizzy and tired and he passes out feeling cold and utterly heartbroken.

***  
When he wakes up again he's in a warmer bed with warmer clothes.

Ant is sitting at the foot with a frown.

"Is it true?" he asks. He has the same look as his mother. The same shock, the same utter disgust.

"What?"

"Your gay," Ant spits, "A faggot."

Zayn flinches, "I'm bisexual."

"Donyia called told me to make sure you weren't dead and to play doctor or whatever. I've done what I can. Now get out."

He's never seen Ant so cold before, him, Danny and Zayn were best friends. The three musketeers, they'd been friends forever, since they were babies and he was just throwing him out because he was gay. Zayn wanted to throw up.

"What?"

"I said get out, I don't need your kind around me, to influence my little brother. I booked your plane ticket now get out."

Zayn flinches, "Alright… I… I love you man just know that."

He doesn't know why he had to say it, he just had to let him know. Even if Ant would never sat it back. Part of him wished Danny was here, so Zayn could tell him too. He knew Ant would never relay on the message.

"I said get the fuck out," Ant says as a response his face impassive. 

Zayn stands up and rushes out of the apartment he used to think as a second home, not ever welcome their anymore. He fines the plane ticket in his pocket along with his wallet and phone. He has a missed call from Perrie, another from his management, and one from Niall. He ignores all of them and calls a Taxi just wanting to go home.  
***  
"Zayn wake up," someone's shaking his shoulder, "Your having a nightmare."

Zayn's eyes snap open. His head was on Liam's lap and his feet on Niall's. He must have fallen asleep watching the telly. For fucks sake, he needs to get on a better sleeping schedule, allowing himself to have naps all day wasn't going to help. Damn this new medication, it was making him drowsy all the time, and Zayn was already a tired person on a normal day.

"You alright," Niall rubs his ankle with his thumb, "What was it about."

"Nothing," Zayn murmurs feeling the heat on his face rush to his cheeks, his eyes still a little blurry with unshed tears, "Nothing."

"Alright," Liam says running his fingers through Zayn's hair, "Well Lauren and Todd are suppose to be here in like twenty minutes , and your sisters only a half and hour after that."

"Right," Zayn says. He'd almost forgotten, he tenses up.

"Don't be scared," Liam says soothingly continuing to run his fingers through Zayn's hair scratching his scalp lightly, and that felt really good, "They still love you, you've talked to Donyia on the phone several times."

"But how about Waliyha and Safaa-I don't even know id they want to be coming?"

Donyia had managed to trick their parents into letting Waliyha and Safaa spend four days with Donyia apparently visiting her Uni for some sort of made up bring your siblings day, when instead Zayn was paying for them all to Travel First class to LA. They'd gotten to the Hotel late last night and were suppose to come over later for a dinner Harry was cooking. Zayn had told Lauren and she agreed she'd come maybe to make him more comfortable and he was thankful, he honestly has no idea what he'd do without Lauren.

"Of course they want to be coming they love you," Liam says, smiling at him with a soft smile. Will this feeling for Liam ever go away? 

"You don't-"

"I do know that," Liam says smirking, his damn cute smirk, "Now c'mon go get dressed."

Zayn nods getting off the couch and bounding up the stairs.

In the bathroom he looks at himself in the mirror. He looks kind of like shit. His hair a silverfish color still but the roots grown out and awkward. He was too skinny, he knows he should eat more but his appetite is gone more often than not. He was a pale and sickly color all the time. His eyes were bloodshot and red. Probably from all the crying he's been doing. He needs to just get himself together and needs to stop being such a fucking fuck up.

He sighs and takes his shower and shaves and get dressed, hoping the clothes he chose didn't show how gaunt he was looking.

When he comes downstairs to the sound of a muffled female voice, at first he assumes it was Lauren but no…that doesn't sound like Lauren, that doesn't sound like Lauren at all. 

It sounded like Sophia.

***

Liam hears the door a few moments after he hears the shower turn on upstairs. He assumes it must be Lauren and he stands up moving to the door and opening it with a smile, because he liked Lauren she was such a nice girl, and he loved little Todd too. The kid was what he imagined Zayn like as a child, innocent and funny and cute and pure.

But it wasn't.

"Sophia?!" 

"Liam," Sophia smiles. She takes a step forward and embraces him in a hug. Liam hugs her back tentively not sure if he wants to push her away, or maybe even slam the door in her face, "I missed you baby."

"I missed you too…"

Honestly he hadn't, he was just too angry at her to miss her. He couldn't believe she'd said all those things about Zayn. He'd been kind of ignoring her call since then too. 

"I just couldn't stand us being mad at each other," Sophia says in such a matter of fact tone that Liam can't help but grind his teeth together (because Sophia has no real right to be mad at Liam, she's the one who said those awful things), "So I came over to LA for the week, I hope you don't mind."

I sort of do, I need my attention for Zayn, Liam thinks, but he doesn't say it out loud instead he sighs before saying:

"I er…don't I'm just surprised."

What the fuck was she doing here? Was it not obvious from him ignoring her calls that he really didn't want to talk right now. Especially when his full attention should be on Zayn, his full attention needs to be on Zayn. What the fuck was going on with this girl, she's acting like some sort of over controlling girlfriend. Not like the small girl from Wolverhampton that he had a crush on when he was a geeky fourteen year old who used straightener's on his hair.

"I'm sorry for saying those mean things about Zayn, I didn't mean them…" she says not sounding sincere at all, "I was just upset that our plans were canceled."

"They aren't canceled," Liam says, "Postponed maybe, but not canceled."

Did, Liam really mean that? Or was he just bullshitting her and himself? It sure felt that way.

Sophia sighs and doesn't look convinced, "Of course."

"Liam who's-" Liam looks around to see Louis gaping, he recovers quickly closing his mouth and having an unreadable expression on his face before he coldly states ,"Sophia, pleasure to see you."

"Well I guess you can join us inside," Liam awkwardly opens the door, "Um-some friends and Zayn's sisters are coming over for dinner, so I guess I'll tell Harry to set out an extra plate."

"He doesn't have his cooks, do that?" 

Liam wrinkles his nose because okay what the literal fuck, "None of us have cooks when we're off the road, what are you even talking about we're not those kind of people."

Sophia rolls her eyes dramatically, "Okay, this is a really nice place, custom designed hmm?"

Liam feels so awkward. Like what the fuck. This doesn't feel like his girlfriend. This feels like some cold, jealous, over controlling robot that replaced her. He doesn't like it, he doesn't like it one bit.

"Um, I'm not sure you'll have to ask Louis or Harry."

He did know it was custom designed he just didn't have any interest in having a conversation about interior design with his girlfriend right now, or have any conversation with her right now for any matter.

"Look um…Sophia why did you say those exact things," Liam said deciding to bring this up now because he's not exactly sure when's a good time to bring up something like this, "Harry thinks your jealous and-"

"I'm not jealous," spits Sophia making Liam flinch, "I'm your girlfriend, I don't need to be jealous I have you already. And your not gay least of all for someone like Zayn."

Someone like Zayn, someone like Zayn, someone like Zayn.

 

"I didn't think so Harry did and-"

"I was just upset about our canceled plans," Sophia says, "Don’t overanalyze it was the past."

It was like four days ago!

Liam doesn’t say anything but he already knows this is going to be a really long dinner if Sophia keeps acting like this.  
***  
Lauren comes not long after Sophia, with Todd, and Donyia calls telling them she's running late because their was a car accident right by the freeway by the hotel and that she was stuck in traffic. 

Zayn didn't mind, he'd rather get over the shock that Sophia was here before he'd deal with his sisters.

No one seems happy at all that Sophia was here, which was weird because last time Zayn checked they all adored Sophia (which made Zayn sick if he'd be quite honest) and now they were all sending glares behind her back. Or making passive aggressive comments to her. Louis was the worse at hiding his obvious displeasure of her being here, making sassy remarks all the time. Lauren who was polite and kind to her at first is even seemingly getting more irked and irked by her by the minute.

The weirdest part was even Liam didn't even seem to want her here. And she was his girlfriend. Zayn remembers Louis mentioning something about them getting in a fight but Zayn can't imagine it had Liam too angry at her. He was in love with Sophia. They were the power couple (and that made Zayn feel even sicker if he's going to be quite honest)

"So Zayn how's the recovery going?" Sophia asks not really sounding sincere.

Zayn squirms uncomfortably scratching the back of his still damp hair, "Erm…good I guess."

"You take medication now hmm?" she asks, "I had a friend who one tried to kill herself, they put her on loads of medication."

Zayn visibly flinches, they all see it, Sophia smiles a little bit.

Okay, Sophia wasn't this mean last time Zayn remembered. 

"That isn't your business Sophia," Louis snaps.

"Right," Sophia rolls her eyes dramatically, "Just how long do you think your going to be… erm depressed."

"Forever I reckon," Zayn glares at her and part of him hopes she melts under the intense heat his glare can hold, "It's not like an emotion that just goes away…I mean I'll have good days and other emotions with it. I just… will always have a tendency to feel down sometimes. But I can do things to make myself feel less down I guess."

"So it's always going to be like some sort of game," Sophia says.

Zayn squirms uncomfortably in the bar stool he sat in. The pan that Harry was holding clanks loudly against the counter and he gives a pointed look at Liam. Because what the fuck was that supposed to mean.

 

"What do you mean-" Zayn starts.

 

"Sophia shut up," Liam says sounding really, really angry, "Your being purposely rude."

"I am not now Liam James, I'm just asking questions-"

Sophia sounded like some mum scolding her child (a pretentious stuck up mum but a mum none the less.)

"Depression isn't some sort of game!" Liam says his face a beat red.

"I just don't understand how you can actually be sad forever…like get some ice-cream watch some funny movies. That'll make you feel better. I just don't see how you need everyone hovering around you, it's quite selfish and needy actually-"

Zayn visibly flinches again and his fingers grip the counter because yeah…that made sense.

Such a fuck up, he thinks.

Louis opens his mouth to say something but Liam beats him to it.

"Sophia can we talk? Alone?" Liam sounds close to exploding, and okay, why would Liam sound close to exploding at his girlfriend, over Zayn for that matter.

"Sure pumpkin," she smiles and the two of them go into another room.

Zayn puts his head down, she was right he was being needy and selfish and-

"Don't," Louis snaps suddenly.

Zayn looks up helplessly.

"Don't," Louis repeats he puts his finger on Zayn's chin and makes him look into Louis's eyes, "If any of us didn't want to be here, to support you and make you feel better. We wouldn't be here. But we're here. If we want to be here you aren't being needy or selfish at all. She's just a bitch, and I'm sure Liam's breaking up with her right now."

"He is not," Zayn says helplessly, "He loves her."

Louis shakes his head before pulling Zayn in a tight reassuring hug that he didn't realize he needed until he relaxes into Louis's arms.

***  
"Are you purposely trying to piss me and everyone else in that room off? Was that the point of you coming here!?" Liam hisses trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible. Making Zayn more upset would be just dreadful.

"No!" Sophia says defensively trying to look confused like she's done nothing wrong.

"That what the fuck are you doing here?" Liam says. 

He will not punch that wall, he will not punch that wall, he will not punch that wall.

"Liam…baby," Sophia grabs his elbow and he has to resist shrugging her off, "You need to come home, you can't let Zayn manipulate you like this!"

Oh fuck no-she wasn't really…

"Manipulate me," Liam does shrug her off, "You really did mean everything in that phone call didn't you. You weren’t just upset. Harry was right you were jealous and insecure."

Sophia crosses her arms and huff's loudly, "Your being idiot, you'll come running back at me once he leaves you in the dust again!"

"Your being the idiot if you think this would bring be back…ever…" Liam's voice trails off and he hopes she get's what he's getting at.

She doesn't.

Sophia's eyes narrow, "At least I haven't been ignoring you."

"You insulted my friend," Liam says running a hand through his one hair and a pulling slightly, "One that made mistakes sure but one I care about so much. You couldn't have expected me to pick up and listen to your apology's especially if you didn't mean it."

Because after what she did today Liam doesn't think he could believe any apology from her ever again.

"Your ridiculous Liam," Sophia says, "God I can't believe I'm loosing you that attention whore."

Liam shakes his head, "You aren't losing me Sophia…you've lost me."

"What?"

"We're over," Liam says, "I thought you love me, but if you can't love the things I love…the people I love, I can't be in a relationship with you. Those boys are my family, and I can't let you into that family if your going to act like that."

Sophia's eyes feel with tears and Liam…Liam's eyes should be too, but part of him feels just releived. The sick part of him maybe. But he feel's so relieved.

"Your in love with him," she says her voice thick with emotion and it doesn't make Liam feel bad like he knows it should, like maybe it would have three months ago, "I was right…your in love with Zayn."

"Maybe," Liam says, "and I tried to ignore that because I loved you too, and I would have ignored that. But you've ruined the chance of that ever happening."

"Baby please-"

"Get out," Liam drops his head because oh my fucking god he can't even look at her anymore. She really was just horrible.

"Liam."

"Get out."

Sophia rushes out suddenly and he can hear her sobbing and then the slam of the front door.

Liam looks up to see Niall standing in the doorway.

"You alright man?" Niall asks softly walking in and putting either hand on Liam's elbows squeezing them.

"We broke up," Liam says slowly. And yeah they broke up. Has it just not even hit him yet, or is he really not upset about this.

"I'm sorry," Niall says sympathetically and steps closer to Liam to wrap his arms tightly around him.

"I don't think…I'm really upset…" Liam admits a little ashamed because he should be. He just broke up with his girlfriend. Was he really just a dick?

Niall frowns and takes a step back, "Well I could see where your coming from there….that shit she was saying in the kitchen, was nasty. And the worst part-"

"Is she was sincere about all of it," Liam says, "I know, she was trying to convince me to come back home with her. She was jealous because…"

"Your in love with Zayn?" Niall prompts.

Liam snorts and blushes actually, "Is it that obvious?"

Niall cackles, "Oh buddy, it's been obvious since X Factor."

Liam open's his mouth to defend himself somehow, but of course at that moment the doorbell rings. And unless they were expecting anyone else, it could only be three people. Enough with Liam's drama. This was all about Zayn now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wipes hands on apron* well Sophia's taken care of.  
> jkjkjkjk. I've heard Sophia is a wonderful girl in irl, this fic by no means is to shit on her, I didn't even mean for her to be apart of the fic nor even be such an evil character at first i swear.  
> Comment please! they always mean so much to me.

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically the most personal fic I've written on here and I hope you guys like it.


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